The Common Test results are back.
Didn't do well at all. It was way below my own personal expectations.
I've pretty much failed myself.
Well, nonetheless, I don't wanna be negative. It affects everyone, and the last person I'd wanna affect is Her.
So...I'm gonna keep my cool and remain calm.
Slow and Steady is so 20th century.
I'm gonna reinvent myself: I'm gonna be
Fast and Steady. I'm gonna have much more confidence while making sure that it doesn't turn me into a megalomaniac, and much more adrenaline to ensure that I last
every round.Oh last but not least, I'm gonna have much more
heart, if you know what I mean.
Watch me on this.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:50 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
First it was occurrence. I thought I'd settled it all.
I though We'd settled it all.Now it's recurrence.
Now what am I supposed to do? It keeps coming back.They say in order to change others you must at least start by changing yourself. I did change myself, and I say this discreetly.
What about You?A rebel? I was not only a rebel in the past, but also an anti-hero. I believe I have gone down the same path as you.
I was almost infamous.
But I've already grown out of it. I get myself disciplined and follow rules.
Why do you choose to befriend people who just love making trouble for everyone?
Now how can that be ignored especially when you're someone so close and dearest to me?
There are always rules. In the world, in school, at home and even in relationships. Rules are there for a reason; that being of a mutual compromisation for mutual benefit.
It's a 'you don't harm me, I don't harm you' kinda a thing.
I tried not to blow. I did blew it off a lil, but I figured it all out that it was better than repressing it. I can't guarantee that I can force myself to feel a particular way even though I said I would try.
No one in this world can.
Yes, I did try. If I didn't, hell would've broke loose like the last time.
The bigger picture is, I am willing to go the distance and change myself for the better.Is it not sufficient to sustain this relationship?People can be so nice. Everyone can be nice to you.
The only difference that sets me apart from the others is that you would never ever need to doubt my love for you, for it is only genuine.Others might try to harm you, but I would absolutely not.
Not unless You spur me to. Not unless so.There is no doubt about this.You want me changed, I had it done for you. Like a 180 degrees change. Or a 270. Something I'd never ever done before for anyone.
I had never demanded anything from you, except for this real pain in the neck, as this is the limit.
My limit.I have understood how you feel at times, have you understood how I am feeling now?
What do You really want?I had been remorseful, I had been understanding, I had been loving, I had been accomodating.
I had been enduring. I had been perservering.
Maybe I haven't done enough, I might be ashamed of that, for not doing enough.
For not giving enough.
For not being more perceptive.
For not being aware enough.
For not understanding.
For being stupid."Remorse for what?
You people have done everything in the world to me.
Doesn't that give me equal right?
I can do anything I want to you people at anytime I want to because that's what you've done to me.
If you spit in my face and slap me in the mouth and throw me in solitary confinement for nothing, what do you think's gonna happen when I get outta here?
You've got it stuck in your brain that I murdered somebody.
What do you want to call me a murderer for?
I've never killed anyone.
I don't need to kill anyone.
I think it.
I have it here.
Believe me, if I started murdering people, there'd be none of you left.
Believe me, if I started murdering people, there'd be none of you left." -
Joy to the World, by Combichrist.What adhering lyrics. Exactly what I'm feeling now. I simply love Comichrist.
You got it stuck in your head that I'm controlling you. I am not. I am being very reasonable.
I am supposed to feel angry and implusive. Yet I am calm and confident. The exact type of confidence I used to have. This is pretty exhilarating.Remember the fundementals people:
Even a worm will turn.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:36 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
One week of holidays.
I passed half of it by with training, CIP and games.
I do not want to contemplate my results for the common test.
I've got a competition coming up in a week's time.
Routine Routine and more Routine.
I'm beginning to like it actually.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
5:03 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Have you ever come across a series of unfortunate events that happen almost consecutively?
It seems like everything I do and say is a mistake.
Perhaps I'm just selfish in nature...but I'm tryin my best to change.
I've always wanted to be the best in everything...but it is often that my hopes get dashed.
I am not perfect. I have to face it.Sometimes, I spend most of my time thinking where my life will lead me in the future. What will become of me in the future?
I do self reflect frequently.
I get dazed when I think about my uncertain future. It seems like I do not have much control over it.
Yes, alot of people will say that I'm being self-centered as I self-reflect alot. I'm always thinking bout myself,aren't I?
I have so much inside of me that I wanna voice out...I do not want to repress it. I do have alot of problems.
I really mean no harm.I don't think I would want anyone to save me as I'm sure they have their problems too.
I'm not gonna wallow in self-pity...but it just gets into your soul whenever you make a mistake. It's like you being in solitary confinement, surrounded by 4 walls and without a door.
Where no one can hear you scream,and the least you could do to retain your sanity is to let it all out on the walls, while constantly reminding yourself that you have to get out.
Melancholy is inevitable.If you stay in that cell long enough, you'd realise that you'd get "institutionalized", meaning that you've already lost all your social skills with the world outside.
You might actually be afraid to step out of this cell.
It will come to a point where you life ceases to have any meaning anymore.
In a place where no one cares...even your death is unknown and insignificant.
Don't worry, you are not alone...I'm sure there are others just like you, all cooped up in their own lil cells with walls made of paranoia and fear.
The least you could do now: don't cry it out.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
3:13 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
