Friday, December 30, 2005
A new year tomorrow,but will things change?
Ist person I talked to was Liyana.Can't meet her today,working....again.
Just like a machine just like everyone else...
Nowhere to go...it's another festive season and I'll be alone again.
When will this end?
Liyana consoled me and told me not to worry?And this time really alot of sweet things...I actually wanted to say how much she meant to me....and my feelings for her are more than a good friend's?But I still guess it wasn't really the time to do so...and I gave her clues.
Fate please bring us there?
I don't wanna be alone this New Year's Eve.I really don't want to be...
But if I'm really alone,I didn't choose to be.
I was forced to.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:02 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
Sick of things here.
Sick of Parents arguing over minute matters everyday.I've to put up on friends who keep fueling my hatred.Mind over money matters.
I want to change my life.I'm not going to be some pathetic fool who sits here and wait and go all out depressing and think the whole world's against him.I'm never going to be that weak.If no one's going to help me with it,I'll have to fuck it hard myself.
I really wanna meet people who can click with me.I really do.If you think you do, just add me on Msn,jokerz7@hotmail.com.We'll start off from there.
Who knows?We may be able to change each other's life for the better.It doesn't matter if you're a gal or guy.Clickability ain't biased.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
5:38 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Monday, December 26, 2005
Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain.
Ok,should I hate love?
If so,there's at least a reason to...
If not,let me tell you something.
Don't give up on Love,the problem lies in with the players,not in the game.
Fuck the guy who said 'You don't hate the players,you hate the game.'
Don't believe me?Think about it,if there is a couple who are so in love with each other,but they aren't compatible in any way then how is the long term committment in the relationship going to last?
And you might be thinking why they got in love in the first place.
Let me tell you,Love caters to all ages.Young,adolescents to the old.Everyone can love and would be happy to receive it.Love is something like an 'anything,anywhere' thing.
Love tastes the sweetest when it is fresh;when the relationships starts.
But don't be mistaken,it isn't true love.
True Love is only when they're both committed to one another and to the special bond they share.
Now back to the question,"Can Love be measured?"
My answer:Definitely not.
There's no definitely standard to measure it,as love comes unseen as we can only see it go...
And that's what makes it so special.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
11:44 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Saturday, December 24, 2005
X'mas eve,should I follow the crowd and be happy?
Spent my whole day with parents.Not really boring but I'm missing someone else...
Messaged alot of people including god sistas.Merry X'mas?Yeah ok.
I messaged Amanda too,but she didn't reply?
I guess I'll just leave it there to rest.
I only wanted to wish her a Merry X'mas...
I saw so many couples my age and all...suddenly felt so left out and lonely...
They were all so loving?It's really romantic,if you could get to be with the very person dearest to you and spending precious time with her,how would you feel?Especially this festive season...Every second spent is priceless,not even money could buy...
You wouldn't want to let go off her hand,you wouldn't want to let go when you hug,you wouldn't wanna waste anytime and try to make every single moment precious...Nothing else would matter anymore...
Not even life and death would...That's the beauty of Love.
I do have a heart as I'm human too...but who would want it?
Love is not yours to keep but yours to give away...
No point sayin so much...no one wants my heart anyway.
Even if I say I love her again,I think she'll not even bother....
Let's just let those happy memories stay at the place where they're the most memorable...where Love shows its true beauty,that not even time could kill...
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:27 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Thursday, December 22, 2005
This may probably be the last long vacation before my 'O's...
It maybe X'mas,yet there isn't even any ambience.Sadness fills the air.Snow replaced by tears and the cold rain.
Liyana said so many sweet things.She's so unpredictable?But I can't meet up with her,we've got so much catching up to do...it's already been months?Gosh,when will I ever meet her again?
I'm afraid that I won't have time to do so in the future.
Everyone tries to mind his own business,unaware and unresponsive to the ever changing environment.The world's spinning but how many of us actually remember that?
Watched an 'underground' wrestling pay-per-view...called 'Barbed Wire Massacre.'Alot of blood,real fighting,real gore and intensity.
In fact,I've never seen any sort of real live action match such as this.Real Barbed wire.Real blood.Real Sadistic.Real Entertainment.
I was initially lacking a source of sadistic inspiration,till I found this.Nothing but gore.Back to the basics,people.
This is probably something that has definitely put a big wide smile on my sullen face this X'mas.
X'mas is eXecution.What a way to start off a new year.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
5:45 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Monday, December 19, 2005
Been alone for so long now.Haven't been doing anything much.Left my work dangling,left my pride dangling,left everything dangling.
When I'm alone,I think about everything basically.
Her.Life.Death.Pride.Sex.Family.Future.Past.
Dreams.Demons.Satan.God.Friends.Metal.War.
Science.Society.Politics.Studies.Love.Enemies;e.t.c
Think,think,think,think.
What comes out?
Conclusions.In fact I've been thinking so much that I had so many different conclusions that I don't know which is right.
All I feel is hate.
But my hatred won't last long.It has to be fueled by something.
Anger.
Hatred for society.Hatred for everything that had been against me.
But things don't have to turn out this way,do they?
I don't always have to be alone,do I?
I'll find my gal in time,won't I?
I'll do well in my studies if I work hard,won't I?
I need encouragement,love and most importantly motivation.
Who's gonna give me this?My future girlfriend?
Ok,cancel out Love.I need encouragement and motivation.
Hatred can supply me.I'm on my own.No one's here to save and help me.I'll have to fend for myself.
Here's a saying,"A man is the most unpredictable and dangerous when he is cornered and alone."
Try me.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:00 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Friday, December 16, 2005
"Those who stand for nothing fall for anything."
"The world we see is the reflection of who we are."
"The world is my mirror."
"Love is not yours to keep but yours to give away."
"Be yourself,the love and admiration you deserve will always find you."
"Letting go takes strength-and builds it."
"Jealousy arises from a lack of self confidence-not in others but in yourself."
"You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation."
"There is no rose without thorns."
"When accept the rose,you'll have to accept the thorns too."
"When you hug so tight that you can hardly breathe,the hearts are trying touching."
"Strength is nothing without control."
"All women wanna flirt with the bad men,but they'll marry the good ones."
"Nice guys always finish last."
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
6:51 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
So many things happening so fast.Yet other things are happening so slowly.Time is ticking;every moment of our lives.
My head spins and spins,unaware of what is happening around me.Try to cater to others,try to make others have positive judgments of me.
But do I make myself a better person to make things work?It's bout how you actually treat others;not how they treat you.How you judge others and not how others judge you.
In this cold world,everyone is blinded under the 'eye for an eye' situation.Every party ends up blind.No one's gonna save us.We're all left to rot in this 'playground'.This 'jail',this 'asylum'. This HELL.
I'm not really scared of Hell anymore because I was born in it.
Sometimes,I just do not know what is happening around me.I ask myself what's happening.No one answers.
I am alone yet in my head thoughts are never ending.My imagination runs wild yet all of a sudden it can all stop when I'm thinking of the people dearest to me.I guess you know who they are.
Under such circumstances,it's best to just be yourself.If those who really love you wouldn't mind the way you speak,the way you dress,the attitude you give....because these attributes do not matter anymore,what matters is just the feeling.Without the feeling there,nothing would be possible.
Never deny your own feelings.That's the worst thing to do.
Believe me,I tried it before.The pain is unbearable.In fact it's worst than physical pain.Because it's internal,no amount of medicine can heal it.
Not even time can.In fact,time does more harm than good.
If you ever land in such circumstances,just be yourself....cause the love and admiration you deserve will always find you.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
12:54 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Monday, December 12, 2005
Special Bond with Amanda,never will it fade nor die...
We've already gone through so much,I've been there by your side and you by mine...
Went through almost thick and thin together?
Am I gonna let a another guy put us down?
I reckon our bond is stronger than that right?
And deep down only in our hearts we know....
It's really something others can't destroy or kill,
except ourselves....
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
6:40 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Saturday, December 10, 2005
Amanda has a new bf,15 year old just like me.They got up fast,but she said it was an accident?Perhaps,just perhaps...
He's a beng?Ok...though I despise them,but with all due respect to Amanda,I shouldn't critise much.Ok.
But he's causing much trouble for her,getting in gang activities and stuff.
Anyways,I wish her all the best as a friend.
May he love you more than I do and give you what I can't.
Hope you'll be happy.
This is all just happening just as I predicted.It's true.The visions I have.
It's pretty scary,although those visions aren't exact.But they're similar.
It's all the same story over and over again.She's not the only one who's in this kind of circumstances.I'm pretty sure there're others.
I do hope much that she won't regret this path she's taken.The path that many forsaked.And almost all of those who chose it regretted.I certainly hope she knows what she's doing.
Till this point,it ain't any of my business any longer.But if she needs help,I'll be there.Always there.
I got an unknown sms from a gal called Ling Ann.She supposedly got my number on a bus?A fucker scribbled my number on the bus?
Who the Fuck is it?Only my close friends know me by 'Joker'.Couldn't be them,can it?
These days,trust is getting harder and harder to gain.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
6:56 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Friday, December 09, 2005
Next year's gonna be such a tough year.
"Sweet 16" eh?Real Sweet.
So many things gonna happen...'O' levels,new opportunities,new gf perhaps?
Must be dreaming.Hahaz.
I've changed.I've been able to see what society does.It changes us.
Society was the one that changed me.Not anyone else.It changes everybody.
It changes the way you think,you react and socialise.It makes you who you are.
Don't believe me?Try comparing a 15 year old teenager from U.S to a typical Singaporean 15 year old.Their ways of thinking would definitely not be the same.
Society could change a humble working man into a freaking bank robber.
Society could make a potentially talented young teenager into a rough gangster gripped by vice activities.
Society could change me,into a sadist...
We give in to lust,just like any other lustful man would give up their lovely wives and once-happy families all because of LUST.They fail to appreciate life and the wonderful families they once had.Why?Just Why?
We give in to greed;the drive to earn quick money by selling drugs and some could even resort to selling their bodies.Poverty drives us.
Think about it,if it weren't for money,would nice looking gals resort to selling their bodies?Some do this because they have a family to feed,while others are blinded by greed...
What are the uses of drugs/cigarettes?Why are these drugs/cigarettes taken by people even though they cost so much(even their lives)?Why?Let me tell you why.
They take them to forget things.Broken families,failed relationships,stress from work.These people want to forget.Forget all those unhappy things by taking drugs and cigarettes...they are running away from their problems...failing to face it...ever so weak.
Society pushed them to to this stage and won't ever give them a chance to repent.They're all hopeless.All being treated as outcasts by other members of society...being isolated and forsaken...
Don't forget everyone in this world deserve to be loved.And I mean everyone...even christians/satanists do...we after all,are humans.We all have emotions,even the most cold blooded killer on Earth.
Even dogs have it,you're telling me that you don't?Then I think you don't deserve to live.
The message I'm trying to put across is,wake up! Are all the friends in your social circle true friends?Would all the fun that you had last?How much is it worth?Don't be blinded by your own desires,spare a thought for the others...
You don't live in this world by yourself.You're sharing it with everyone.
No one can ever live without friends and it's only true.
Treasure and cherish every one of your friends.When you lose him/her...you'll understand why I'm telling you to do so.The pain is unbearable.
If you ever come across any unworthy friends,no need to worry...they'll find someone they truely deserve.If you know what I mean.
"Absence makes the heart grow fonder."-I agree.So treasure you friends-
Good friends don't come by often,so cherish them while you still can.
It takes a long time to know and get close to someone,and it takes less than just a day,to end it all.
Would you bear to end it all just like that?
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
10:07 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Really so confused.Amanda kept saying she didn't trust anyone anymore?Am I the cause of it?
I love her so damn much...till the core...but yet I'm always feeling that I'm being used...
The last time I called her she sounded so happy cause she had money from her father and she won't be able to meet me?She sounded so happy...and she just said 'bye' and hung up...
Almost the same as hanging up on someone...
If I was supposed to be the guy she loved,I reckon she wouldn't do this to me....
Till I read her blog?
She said she was nothing in my eyes.
How would she know?
I love her the most,more than anything....
and I still do very much...
But I got hurt...it's really so painful to love her...I've been in pain for so long yet I was determined to go on...till she started to ignore my messages and sometimes my call...
She didn't even want to meet me?
Then I finally thought of this;Perhaps Amanda wants me out of her life and not be such a bother...if I love her,I'll wanna see her be happy....
And guess what?I did so...
cause I love her too much...
If she drifts away slowly,then I would too...
But now she's saying I'm hurting her?
This time I don't understand things anymore-
I really don't-
I'm so confused?
Tried calling her to make things clear but can't get through....
She said she trusts no one now;certainly not me anymore...
I'm feeling so guilty...
I don't want her to be sad and get hurt...
and now that I've become the cause?
Tell me what you would do if you were in my shoes?
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:07 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Wednesday, December 07, 2005
Frowns;Tomorrow's Liyana's birthday but I can't celebrate it with her.She'll be working till late...
Can see that she's always unhappy although she said she'll be...and this makes me even more unhappy...She told me to put on a smile for her as her birthday present cause I never really smiled before her...then she'll be happy...
Yeah I guess so...
I wanna see her smile too...
I really want to...
Told her that she meant much to me and I'll treasure her and she said she will too.
Finally I smiled...
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
10:34 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Tuesday, December 06, 2005
You can't accept me for who I am,
I try so hard to get you to understand...
I don't know if I can take this pain anymore cause my heart has been torn...
What did I do to be treated this way?
You keep beating me down,
but I still ask you to stay...
And I know that I want to be myself,
but you want me to be someone else...
It's just the same thing, same thing...
How you try to change me, change me...
So tell me what you want from me?
Why can't you let me be?
I just can't go on taking all this abuse,
No matter what I do, it's never enough for you...
And I know that I'm disgusted by the way that you think of me-
You make me do things that I don't wanna to do,
And you don't give a damn about what you put me through...
And I know you need to face the truth that I'm not like you-
It's just the same thing, same thing,
How you try to change me, change me,
So tell me what you want from me?
Why can't you let me be?
So tell me what you want from me?
Why can't you let me be?
I just do what I wanna do, not what you tell me to,
You say you're looking out for me-well, that's just a sad excuse!
Now drop that attitude because I've been abused-
So tell me what you wanted from me,
Or what's the reason that you won't let me?
I keep telling you again and again,
That No one can change me because of WHO I AM-
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:30 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Oh Hell.Liyana's seeing someone else.A 19 year old guy she meet from Peninsula.Heart ached again...my crush...finally got me crushed.
She said she was uncertain,but she won't give up so easily either.She said he was an exceptional nice guy?Aww....
Yeah I did tell her bout me.Almost the same sentiments as me?She's a very strong willed person.I can almost feel it.No one controls her-
Joseph said the same thing.They all said she didn't deserve me,and that I don't deserve her too.Yeah I guess so,Brother.He said love changed me.He preferred the good old,Joker me.The real me.Sadistic.Laughing.Hysterical.Wild.Antichrist.Thanks to all who encouarged.Especially to my bro:Joseph,special guy.Yeah thanks for waking me up.Wish you good luck with your relationship with her.All the best,bro.
I'm feeling myself back again.I get the hang of things.I'll operate alone.Individualism counts.
Nowadays keep going to town myself.I used to hate it but now I do like it.Getting the stuff I like,shopping on my own,have lunch and dinner by myself.Self reflection time also by myself.Everything by myself.I'm all alone and I'm proud of it.This is what I call True Freedom.
I wanna do night riding!It's so bloody fun.How I wish I could do it again...myself?Yeah maybe.Maybe.
At last,my mind and heart's at peace.Finally,after so much that happened.
Gonna pick up on my studies now.No more slacking.Get hold of myself.
Nothing's going to stop Joker from pursuing his dreams and ambitions.
Although sometimes I do feel lonely and need a person to love,I won't let my spastic feelings get the better of me.If a nice gal comes by,I'll still cherish her but when it comes to money and dreams,it's every man for himself.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
10:44 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Thursday, December 01, 2005
I checked Amanda's posts' archives exactly one year ago.November 2004.She was a devoted christian and she liked a guy called Mark.She had so much to write about at that time.She seemed happier?
Then I checked her March archives,she was with her 1st bf.The bastard guy who disappeared.Read bout he had a court case or something?She described herself as to be so in love with him?She cared for him and loved him;after all,he was his first and I didn't catch his name after so long as she didn't ever mention him.
Then came May archives.Me.She described me as a guy she really adore and loved.She wanted to make things work and last...This period of time I remembered them all very clearly.No need to re-read.
June to September archives.Didn't contact her at all.We got "quarantined".
October archives.New bf,Eugene.The bastard.She loved him too...yet things got caught up and a deja-vu.History repeats itself.I got hurt and obviously jealous.
Later October.Contacted again finally.Got together well and close again.Didn't wanna ignore her anymore.
October till Now.She's constantly changing.Faster than everyone else is.I've seen contrasts in my friends' amount of change.It wasn't much.
But as for me,I've changed so greatly.Read my own past posts.Wanted to relive as much of the old memories as much as possible.Good and Bad ones.Just 365 days and half a new person.New thoughts,new friends,new resolutions.
I loved my old memories and I would certainly want to relive them.I know that it's impossible...but they'll live as long as I do.They'll never change.
But as new things come,old things will definitely be replaced.No doubts bout that-
The reason I did this was because I feel that everything needs to be treasured and cherished.Everything.I made pretty much mistakes in this year.I sure don't wanna repeat them the next year...
I did things I regretted,hated and of course,loved.What a sentimental way to end this year.
The final word is,Why dwell on past painful memories while it is possible to remake new,pleasant good ones?Liyana told me that.I couldn't agree less.
Now I ask you this,:How much have you changed in exactly 365 days and will you be ready to face another series of 365 days in 2006? Spare a thought bout it.I call this the New year's resolution.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
6:56 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
