Tuesday, November 29, 2005
Wanted to buy Amanda a tube dress yesterday.Was there the whole day.Searching for one.All cost $25 and above...
It was gonna be a christmas present but she said no need eventually...
Something funny happened...,when was at a shop at Bugis,I went in to ask the shop owner whether she sold tube dresses,coincidentally a gal(about my age)was fitting in one...hahaz and they asked me whether it looked good.Gosh of cause it was great,Amanda has great taste for dressing.The gal was blushing and me too.But for me, I blushed cause she was really looking damn pretty .Funny.
Yeah..now I know what gals can wear to look nice.Tube dress.Feminine,dark,sensual and of cause,Gothic!
But didn't get it in the end,She wouldn't let me.Now after everything she's explained to me why she didn't wanna meet,I finally understood everything.She had her difficulties and I had mine too.So let's just compromise-
I've already said I wouldn't wanna be a nuisance and burden to her;I ultimately just wanna get close to her and see her smile.It's been so long since I've seen her smile sweetly.Would love to again.
As for me,I also haven't been smiling for a long time now.If I see her smile,I'll definitely smile too.
Got my blog skin changed...into something more fiery and angry.It represents my inner burning hatred.I like this blog skin better cause now my favourite colours include red and dark purple.
Hope you guys out there like my new blog skin,and the new song by Finger Eleven called "Slow Chemical".Lyrics are found at the start of the blog.I think it does fit my blog.
Enjoy-
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
9:34 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Sunday, November 27, 2005
Couldn't sleep the past few nights,couldn't put my mind of it.Then I decided to give up pride and apologize.Spammed her with messages till she replied.I tried very hard to seek forgiveness and I know I'm at fault.
She was still stubborn and reluctant...but I was reluctant to give up too.Then I thought whether forgiveness mattered.Even if she forgave me,I still wouldn't be able to forgive myself.
I'm really very grateful of her being able to forgive me.She loves me and I love her too.The only problem now is ME.
Actually,I don't like the way I treat people,do things and live.Wanna change badly but it's not easy.So I'm gonna do so step by step.Bit by bit.Perhaps a "people magnet" in the future?Yeah dream on,Joker.You're only good at joking.And what good is that?
At least now my mind is at ease,after being forgiven and I won't ever hurt the dearest person I love the most again.Oh no I wouldn't dare.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
10:46 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Saturday, November 26, 2005
Had a quarrel with Amanda yesterday.I wanted to meet yet she was reluctant.I hung up on her.2nd time this year.
I've just noticed that whenever I wanted to meet she'll always be reluctant and unwilling?Then, she'll give excuses like being tired and working the morning shift.Till I found out that she'll rather be with her friends at Raffles.No matter how tired or sick she is,she'll make every single minute of her time worth by hanging out with them.She told me she'll rather spend a whole proper day with me than some petty time together.But has she asked herself this;when has she ever spent a proper day happily with me?
I've just realised that no matter how much I cared,loved,concerned and gave,she'll still not appreciate it.I feel as if she's been playing with me;taking advantage of this weak guy who's ever so in love with her;taking me for granted.If you were in my position,wouldn't you feel the same?
I was there when she needed me,I was there for her;during the period of time she broke with that bastard;during the time she got hurt.
Remember the time I've literally ignored her for months?I forced myself to forget her time and time again.I was almost succeeding till one fine day she told me she had already broke.Know how I felt then?
Ultimate Pain.I've never seen her hurt so badly before.Still remember the time we both cried on the phone;was so fucking painful.It was even more painful then the time we broke.When we broke,I didn't shed any tear.But that time I did.
I didn't wanna ignore her anymore because I've asked myself if I still loved her and no doubt I still do.She came back close and I thought she was genuine.I was able to forgive myself(I didn't blame anyone except myself over the break up)and accepted her once again.
But now I asked myself this,"Is what I've done worth?".I've been trying to get her a christmas present for so long.Was searching everywhere.Even though took time and money.I was willing to do it;it was all for her.
I told some of my friends this,they all said I was a fool.They tried to wake me up from this dream.But I was holding on ever so tightly.I didn't wanna lose her again cause I've already lost her once.I can't afford to lose her twice...I treasured her and tried to give in to her demands...no matter how much they cost...
I was touched deeply whenever she called me 'baby' or 'dear'.A simple thing like this made me cherish her even more.Everyday without fail,I'll definitely call and contact her.Readily by her side whenever she needs me.But sadly,I reckon all this maybe coming to an end.Her last message was,"Don't you ever speak to me." This very message got my heart breaking into pieces.Felt like crying but just couldn't.The feeling's very sick.And I'm keeping everything inside except on this blog of mine.
Found this song that kinda like describe us.Song called Strutter by Kiss
Here's how it goes:
I know a thing or two about her,
I know she'll only make you cry...
She'll let you walk the street beside her,
But when she wants she'll pass you by...
Everybody says she's lookin'good,
And the lady knows it's understood...
-
She wears her satins like a lady,
She gets her way just like a child...
You take her home and she says:"Maybe,baby",
She takes you down and drives you wild...
Everybody says she's lookin' good,
And the lady knows it's understood...
Haha...it's just something I keep myself amused when I'm feeling lonely,nothing much in particular.
What would you do if you were me?
Will this be the final straw to everything?
Will this end with a simple telephone call,
and leave me here with nothing at all?
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:06 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Friday, November 25, 2005
Slept late last night,leg was healing but hurt like hell.Never had my leg hurt this much before.Couldn't walk properly at times.Limped.Went all the way to Jurong Point at Boon lay just to meet Joy.
Funny,she looks small.Pretty Typical.Not amused nor surprised.
Felt Hatred embracing me again when Amanda bragged bout what she and her ex did.This time I really got hurt.You'll all know what I'm talking about.The way they loved.I had fucking minute tears but didn't cry.I kept it all inside and remained strong.
I didn't know how but-thoughts drifted to Liyana.
Liyana was feeling exceptionally down these few days...She had no mood to chat and I know she wasn't lying cause she was often pretty joyful when she was chatting with me.She's got problems with money,job,relationships and family.And I can't do anything to help her?Such a failure.
Gave her a short call cause I missed her voice...and wanted to know how she was doing...Haven't met her in a month or so...been missing her like her.She had the same sentiments.
Not sure when I'll be meeting her...but I'll be here waiting.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:17 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Had wedding lunch on Sun.Dressed really formal and met Amanda in the night.She wasn't really happy and had mood swings.It hurts.I did accomodate to her moods,trying my best to make her cheer up.
Then went Yishun and met her friends.They were like uncouth gangster wannabes?Normal,typical neighbourhood kids.Saw the guy who likes her-King Kong as they called him.Fat and uncouth.Those bunch don't really suit her.She's gothic yet they knew nothing about gothic stuff.
She's like accomodating and catering to them?Tried so hard to hang out with them yet they didn't even appreciate it?I reckon they just treat her like a weather friend.Accomodating to moods all the time.Only Lians will suit them.
Met Chen too,coincidental and strange.Could tell that King Kong was jealous cause he kinda like ignore her?He asked why Amanda wore a short skirt while she met me but dressed decently when she met him.What does he fucking mean?That Amanda's for show to that bunch of filthy guys?What the Fuck.
Yeah,of what calibre are you to deserve her?A guy of my calibre couldn't even get her and you're fighting with me?I'm far more jealous than he is.'
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
9:22 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Was the Chalet at Downtown East a failure or fun?On the 1st night,only a few guys came.Less than 10.At first we were not even talking till someone suggested KOF(King of Fighters) real sparring at the "aisle" outside the empty chalet.No elbows,no kicks to the groin and head and no kicking of balls.Actually didn't wanna play but after watching the first match,Joel vs. Duane and they kept pressing me to play.I had to take on Joel who was a black belt in Karate.
Guess what people,before he could even do anything I kicked his left thigh full force with my right leg and his leg went numb.Totally.
Then,Gomez was up next.Man,this guy's bloody muscular.His biceps are also twice as mine?No choice Joker,be sporting.
Went up against him and although I did full forced kicks to his ribs,that didn't stop him from aiming my abdomen.It took only 2 punches to make me almost puke.My chest area hurts up till now.
Then Duane approached WCG korean gamers and striked converstation.Then they asked for "Call girl."Joo chiat's the place.They've been trying to find prostitutes to fuck with.It was their lucky night.
Then at around 2 am plus went to play soccer non stop for 2 hrs.No water or food.All the shops were closed.Got scolded by some old bitch shouting above us.
Returned to the pool area.They dived in without giving a damn.Fun.
Guess what then,we hitched 2 chicks with 2 guys outside Macs and invited them over for truth or dare.Fun.Did alot of shit.
Time to go for fucking Amaths.Rushed home,bathed,don on a cap,got to school and slept through the damn lecture.Was so damn tired.No proper food or water.Then went home to sleep and returned to chalet at bout 8pm.
2nd day.Barbecue.Now majority of the class turned up including teachers.Redundant.Then I,Jonathan Ho(aka B2) and Roy rode bikes to explore the place.Not much to see until B2 rammed his bike right into the bench cause it was dark or he's blind and the bike chain came off.Lucky I knew how to repair and saved his life.He owes me one.
Went deep into Pasir Ris park connecting to Tampines park.Quite far but fun.Went with only B2 this time as they rest were eating.Played with slides and swings.Fun but ain't extreme.Then I suggested acting gay when we see gals come by.Damn fun.
Then there were this group of chalet gals near us and I and him holded hands and hugged/kissed(pretend only) each other.The gals were like whoa...hahaz.Joker.
Then passed by some couples being intimate at the dark beach and I do admit that place is kinda romantic and I would definitely bring my gf for a walk.But but but...We tried to spoil their intimate moments and moods.They were gonna kiss then I rode slowly pass them then they stopped.I spoiled everything.
Ah,here comes the real fun.KOF again and I fought Jeremy.My leg swelled even more.Had difficulty walking but felt fine.Then someone suggested riding to town.All agreed.
Followed the train tracks and after reaching Simei I decided to stop.Leg swelling like shit,couldn't continue.They gave me the key and told me to go back to the empty chalet alone.ALONE.The routes were anonymous and unfamiliar.It was fucking scary man!The paths were dark and unknown.I didn't dare to look back and cycled as fast as I could.My chalet had only 1 neigbour and they were out.Fuck.
Stayed up and messaged Amanda till I decided to doze off.All the beds to myself!Then in the morning I realised that the chalet had a phone!Wasted, should have called her.Then came them.They actually cycled on the expressway and reached Yio Chu Kang.Sengkang police caught them and particulars were taken.Lucky I wasn't there.Told them they wouldn't make it.I slept like a pig till 6 then they took cab back.
Morning call 7 am.I managed to wake them up by 8.30.I called Gomez and he said he'll pick up and when he did he hung up and went back to sleep.They locked me out!
Resorted to throwing damn small stones at the damn small window at the second story.I kept hitting the roof and wooden frame which didn't make them budge.Tried to hit the glass pane hard and Antonius thought I was some vandal.But I did a great job,didn't I?
I consider this Chalet,Real Fun.
Gosh,now damn bloody tired.Actually should have stayed over at Amanda's place cause she couldn't sleep.Wanted to bond with her cause I feel I'm like lacking far behind?Really wasted...but I'm sure there'll be a next time...yeah,let's not give up on each other,shall we?Always here for you-
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
9:45 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Sunday, November 13, 2005
From time to time,I've realised that I've changed alot.The question is,"Am I still sadistic?"Well,I think I still am but that strong hatred of mine is suppressed by something.I haven't felt angry for such a long time already.All I've been feeling is sadness and madness.It just takes a small little issue like seeing your loved one being hurt just a little which hurts me even more and yet other normal,ordinary people would forsake.Well someone has been telling me that I'm too emotional?
Emotions came back the day I fell in love.They never left.The positive emotions were only conquered by the bad ones.It has brought me so much pain.And,that kind of pain you can never get used to,it'll never get you numb.It'll only get more and more painful.
This links to me thinking I lack and need love.I really need someone that would love me and in return,I could love her back and we would definitely last.Every living thing on this planet needs love.And as basic,civilised human beings,love takes on a new level.I believe no one can live without love.Love is part of live;It is a fact and it will remain as a fact.
Everyone deserves to be loved.Including those who sin.Gays,lesbians,liars,criminals,rapists,gangbangers etc.We're all human.Why must we judge and be prejudice against them?
I considered myself lucky to even have a place in her heart.After everything that happened,that's all I could ask for.
To be frank,I miss Amanda all the time.She the only gal I miss the most.I do not know whether have I been a good or bad cause in her life.Although I'm missing her badly and have alot of catching up to do,I do not wish to bother her or give her trouble.I feel that she has had enough of it.I don't wanna be a nuisance.The last thing I wanna do is start a stupid fight over a conversation and make things difficult for the both of us.I really do not wish to do that.
I'm always saying the wrong things when I'm with her.Even though I tend to get prideful and quarrel with her(it's a natural guy instinct.),then I get back to square one and ask myself what I really want.Do I really want her all for myself and she not being happy,or do I want to see her smiling and happy all the time?I guess the answer is very clear.I give in to her.
In time,I guess you'll understand why I'm saying all this.I may not be much of an example right now,but I'm doing the best that I can.To cherish and love this person.Not blaming anyone for the past.If you judge people,you won't have time to love them.
There is one question that I always ask myself,"How many of the friends in your social circle are true friends?Will they be there for you?How many of them really love,care and be concerned about you?".Loyalty,trust,support.Basic elements of any relationship.Without any of these 3 basic elements,they're not considered friends.
Now ask yourself the same question.What's your answer?
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
7:28 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Monday, November 07, 2005
Went to watch Tom yum goong with Sam and Harish.We tried Plaza Sing but the bitch at the counter asked for I.C.Fuck.I took another try at Cineleisure...this time the young guy didn't even ask for age!We got lucky-The movie was fucking nice!All the stunts and all?Abit of parkour and muay thai here and there.Wanna learn parkour.It suits me.I've already begun my own training,and now I can jump up a parapet 3/4 of my height:without running.My speed could also be an advantage.Now currently trying to scale gates and walls and jumping over huge objects like motorcycles?So far I haven't been injured before.
Wanna do parkour alone.An individualist,I guess.Love being agile and speedy.Gosh,where's the place suitable in this damn zombie country to let me show my talents?Soon I'll be skillful enough to jump from floors.Tried that before actually in school the other time,jumped from the 2nd level to 1st(it was kinda high)and jumped over a series of gates to get outside.Just love parkour...it gets me so fired up and hyper.Add a heavy dose of lethal metal and I'll be so damn destructive!
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:30 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Friday, November 04, 2005
It was so much like Love.The special bond only Amanda has with me.I'm getting as close to her as I can.Met her yesterday after roaming in town alone...as usual.Was feeling so down till I met her.She's grown far prettier already...as they always say-Like a model.She IS A MODEL,Damn it!
Ahh...went with her to get her purple contacts...so cool.She's got the prettiest eyes I've ever seen?Big eyes,pouty lips,nice figure.Unfortunate me.I had her the last time yet I didn't treasure her...I was at fault.Now it's too late for the both of us.I didn't sleep well last night.Had my mind on this issue.It was painful...yet I'm always jealous when she gets close to other guys.Always jealous.
I really should learn to let go but I just can't seem to.I think it's my destiny.As the saying goes,"There's a time for love.there's a time to die,but no one ever escapes their destiny."
Then I began to think about the period of time when she was still with her ex,bout what they did and all....bout how much she loved him ever so deeply.She always told of how deeply in love she was with him.So deep until she's willing to respect and sacrifice for him.Yet he played her.I've tears in my eyes as I'm typing this...it's the second time.
I know I shouldn't be feeling this way but somethings are just not explainable.It is also inevitable.No matter how much you avoid and dodge it,it'll still find a way to haunt you.I do not know is this good or bad...but Love has given me what I wanted and taken it away as easily as it gave.
It's the past? Yes,I do agree...but it has already happened and it cannot be changed.History may repeat itself,but it is never identical.Memories don't die like people do;they live forever.Etched in my mind till time ends.Something I'll never forget.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
12:28 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
