I strive to Burn and the Flame returns-

Friday, September 29, 2006

My grades justify my position.I am just not good enough.

I'm in a band 9 school.But I just wanna blame the grades all on myself.I just didn't have the correct attitude and right amount of effort.I'm not going to any JC at all for the first intake.

Guess I'd be counting on my O level results to get into SAJC.What a waste.Bet they're all laughing at me.

Tragedy.But I'm not losing any control of myself...I still stand pretty firm on my O's results to get me to SAJC.

I need to believe in myself more...learn to trust and love myself more,cause someone is already doing so for me. '-) smile.

[Being useless in Life,is being useless in Love.]

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

5:01 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Thursday, September 28, 2006

I'm anti-euphoria now.I failed once again.I didn't expect to fail.

Although I see much improvement since the mid year,but I still need to improve more.I didn't expect my grades to hover around that range.I really didn't.

Perhaps I was never good enough,but I just wanna try my best for O level's.It's another month to the O's.I gotta start working by the end of the week.I gotta pick myself up and run again...never to stop,cause if I do,the other's will continue to be further away and then I'd never be able to catch up again... that's what I fear now.

I hope I won't repeat those silly mistakes again...so that there'll be room for my improvement.

But I've also considering bout going to a polytechnic.Those subjects in the JC don't seem to appeal to me.If I took science,I won't be enjoyin my life...I'm not good in any of my sciences.I won't really be able to get in anyway.

If I took the arts,then I'd be taking Literature...which doesn't appeal to me much also.But I've aspirations on be a Laywer;a forensic scientist.Now I'm stuck in this dilemma.It's really a circle.It's gettin smaller everytime I think bout it;there's no way out.

I also have aspirations on being an architect,an engineer.Poly has courses for them.I love art and I'm beginning to love it more and more...

What's wrong with me?

I'm officially anti-euphoria now.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

3:11 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Finally,I've completed my first very-own blogskin.The theme's future so I got this picture and I like it.It's pretty conceptual.And I do like futuristic interior art.

Hope you guys like this new blogskin of mine.I finally have a Cell of my own.The song's by Celldweller by the way;Welcome to the End.

By the way,I didn't do as well as my mid year for the prelims but I guess I made room for improvement.I believe in myself now.I'm quite contended.

[We spent many hours together today.I miss her so much.I love her so much.She gave me life...and I'm gonna treasure her for sure.I don't think I've ever loved someone so much before,and I'm very serious bout her.I'm gonna give this love my best,and see where it'll lead the both of us.]

Gimme your comments on my new blogskin ok guys?I need your opinions.Thanks.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

7:19 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Gonna get a new blogskin,I'm creating it myself.It'd look good hopefully.

The theme's future.Any futuristic pictures.I love them.Even futuristic interiors.
So industrial.My scene.

I'm sick of my current skin dammit.It sucks,I'm not even into gothic anymore.

Hopefully you guys will stay in tune to my blog to check the new skin out.It's my first skin.

[I love Her so much...]

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

7:44 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Monday, September 25, 2006

I recently got fired up again at a gothic forum debating on religion.Now the spark to my fuel has been found.I'm all fired up at Religion again.

Condemn or be Condemned.That was what a certain religion which I've a very strong hatred for goes about doing.They try so hard to recruit potential members.What for?I'd tell you what for.Popularity.

Certain religions(guess you know which),are always trying to condemn other religions,saying that all those who don't believe in them will all go to hell no matter how many good deeds they'd done.

Well,I say,Fuck that.

Religion would only divide and make people go to war,just like the war terrorism has arrived from:religious discrimination.

Now I've some pretty important questions to ask: Why do we all get fired up when we get to the issue of religion?
It is because,as a world,as the entire human race,chose to believe in their respective gods.Religion divides people,don't you realise?That's the difference between me and Them;you and Them;Them from us.

I'll tell you why I'm atheist.I see no proof of god, heaven or hell.God is described as an intangible,invisible entity that just happens to be almighty, eternal and omnipresent.There is no physical proof of a god,and there are natural explanations for just about everything.The argument that gods are so powerful that they can make themselves imperceptible is just nonsense.It's a child's reasoning.The myths of gods are no more than fanciful tales written by people who have no other explanation for the world around them.

I cannot believe in heaven or hell, since these places are not in the physical universe and cannot be observed.By definition,only the "souls" of the dead go to these places and never return to Earth,so how can we have descriptions of these places? They're pure fantasy,less plausible than Oz or Narnia.In short,believing in an intangible,invisible,unproveable entity that has no impact on my life making no sense, nor does believing in an "afterlife" in some mythical dimension.

How can I actively not believe in things that don't exist?However, like most things,I'm happy to look at evidence when it's produced.If something earthshattering and conclusive appears, then I am happy to change my views. Moreover,I do not think such substantial evidence exists at all.

We've often heard stories of miracle healing,unexplainable activities that happen in the presence of a religion.How can these stories be reliable?They are mere regurgitations of the believers,who want to believe that their religion is real.They would only speak of the positive,praisable impacts.They would never speak of the negative sides of religion,which most of the people are apathetic to.

Religion itself is a sense of hope.Only those who're hopeless will succumb to religion.False hope.

To prove my point,I ask you this.In which country do you think have more people believing in catholism,America or Africa?
Researchs shows that they're more people in Africa who're catholics.Why?Cause they're poor and on the verge of chaos and death,and religion is there to give them hope.False hope.

Perhaps you did not know,a dying man will clutch at any straw.

Reigion has indeed became the opium of the masses.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

3:40 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Friday, September 22, 2006

I'm literally heartbroken after knowing bout Her past.I had a hard time asking myself whether to say this anot...but it's something that really hurts and I need to say it out?

I've just realised that I'm still quite apathetic to what the world has become.Why do such things have to happen?There're somethings in life that are far worst than death itself.Every single day,the pain accumulates.It's like bloody fingerprints on your heart.

I understand the pain felt,and I'd really felt it.There're lots of things that we all regret doing...what should we do when we regret?I have no definite answer to that.Only time and fate knows.

In the mean time,the best way is to treasure yourself and those around you.Everyone makes mistakes,and it isn't very wise to repeat the simliar mistake.You've got to love learn to yourself...and most of the time,we're not loving ourselves.

For example,whenever we have the strong urge to do something we wanna do badly,without considering the consquences,we are actually giving in to our inner most destructive desires;and not ourselves.We'd definitely end up regreting...and we only harm ourselves in the end.No one actually gains,even though they consider satisfiying their desires as 'pampering' oneself.This is really not the case here.Don't doubt me,cause I've figured out that part myself.

I'm not sure whether saying all these has a positive or negative impact on any of you...well,it's still up to you to perceive what I said.Besides,I'd already voiced out my own opinions.The rest is all up to you.

All these reminds me of a song by Celldweller;here's how it goes:

'I made a choice that I regret,
now what I see is what I get,
it's too late to look back....

wait,how can it be too late?
because I don't want to play,
with such a price to pay....
chained to what I can't reclaim
I'll never be the same,
won't be the same again...

A painful picture that I can't forget,
now what I see is what I get...'

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

5:02 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Thursday, September 21, 2006

I'm sick again.Been like 3 weeks before I last got bronchitis.Damn.I'm coughin like hell every single minute.

It's due to the weather,those people burning incense.There goes another 2 weeks of no exercise,no soccer and no parkour.After my prelim period.Where's the fun now?

She's been kinda cold to me today...it's what breaks my heart the most...I messaged her,but she didn't reply...and when I called she sounded plain.She didn't sound like she used to;didn't sound anything like her.

Perhaps she's having her mood swings again,but she shouldn't leave me in the lurch and neglect me right?

Something comes to my mind now.I feel so much comfortable being alone most of the time...in my own little cell where I can feel no pain at all,and where every single breath I take is mine only.There'd be no one here to understand me,cause even if they do,I don't care what they think.That's one good reason why I like being alone.

Today's papers are relatively okay...not as hard as I'd expected.Hope I fare well though.Last paper tomorrow,Biology practical and MCQ.Hope there won't be any resistance.It's almost over.

I'm gonna take this chance to do well,before this moment says goodbye.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

12:17 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

It's almost over now.Hell it is.

Today's chem paper 2 is easier than expected.But I'm just unsure of my answers,or rather,unsure of myself.I'm puttin up the last struggle till Friday.I'd definitely break this cell apart.For now,I'd give it my all;my best shot at my last few papers.I will.

(My Own Little World)-Celldweller.
'Mutual sight, Mutual sound
Mutual struggle, for shared ground
It's safe, to say, they'll try to take from me
I'm just another one for them to break down
Steeped in denial, the daily grind
Dream of a world for me and my kind
It's safe in the alternative reality
So stick your standards where the sun doesn't shine
They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
Promise the world then take it from you anyway
They'll break you down making your vision fadeaway
It's time to go: get outta my space!

Welcome to a world where the air I breathe is mine
There's nothing to overwhelm me and nothing to cloud my mind
Be anyone, do anything I'd ever want to try
Time doesn't exist here, I will never die

Explain the reasons, Explain the rhymes
It's not required, inside our minds
It's safe to try, no need to justify
Or take their guilt trip at the end of the line.
They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
Promise the world then take it from you anyway
They'll break you down making your vision fadeaway
It's time to go: get off of my case!

They're for themselves, it doesn't matter what they say
It's time to go: get out of my face!

Time doesn't exist here,we will never die.'

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

8:09 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Monday, September 18, 2006

A sobering thought:what if, at this very moment, I am already living up to my full potential?

"The trouble with most people is that they think with their hopes or fears or wishes rather than with their minds."

"The pessimist sees difficulty in every opportunity. The optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

My Fear and the faith I've in myself is colliding.I can't help thinking of the worst.My head keeps spinning and spinning.No one I can talk to.No consolation is being given.I'm so confused bout myself now?

The only way I can vent out all my frustration without hurting anyone is through this cell-blog of mine.These exams are really killing me deep inside.Failure stabs me hard after every paper?

I try so hard to be optimistic,but the other part of me thinks that I'd never be that good.

Is there still aspiration with fear and faith colliding?

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

8:14 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Friday, September 15, 2006

I wanna parkour again.I feel the adrenaline rushing in my cold veins now.It's been so long since I last exercised.Man,I indulge in violence and aggressiveness.

Just wanna say I love my dearest babe gal.With all my heart.
I'd make us work.Hahaz,I will.

I'd just wanna say I'd make it up to you after my exams okay?So don't worry,babe....you know me.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

6:27 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Thursday, September 14, 2006

What if somethings are destined to failure,
What if somethings are never meant to be,
What if someone never sees,
What if someone never opens,
What if somehow we are different?

Though I never claimed to be right,
Give to me the benefit of doubt,
I brought you fires,
That you put out,
I brought you fires,
For I cannot be without,
I came with sadness,
But this my shattered heart can't bear,
What of the times in exile,
What of the hours passed,
What if touches seem too trivial,
You can never tell me I'm wrong,

A song I've heard so long,
So what if healing takes forever.
So what if time is meant for others,
So what is left is but a shatter,
And what is broken can't be whole...
....again.

I'm an outcast.I've lost all my hope now.I failed yet again.My fire didn't burn out.There wasn't even fire in my heart in the first place.

No one can save me now.I've fallen to deep into my own doom and abyss.And they were Right.

I deserve to perish under the sun,as I live by one rule: Survival of the fittest.The weak will perish.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

1:09 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Thursday, September 07, 2006

I'm listening to Skillet now.A christian rock band which I really like.Not really songs bout praise and worship,but it's their love for God that makes me really like them.

I don't know.I just am unsure bout myself as you're bout me.

I realised that my hatred has been subdued greatly by something.Something stronger than my hatred itself?I just don't know what.Not all my hatred has gone though.

Now then I found out the true reason that I hate:I actually liked the feeling of hatred itself.I had actually substituted hate for love itself.I needed someone to love me real bad that I just used whatever I feelings I had and forced it into something I want...

And I actually managed to do that.I can't believe myself.After all that reflection,it had actually worked?Hatred is just as beautiful as love...it feels exactly like love,and it works the same.Both must be mutual.

I'm heading off to indulge in my pile of books now to prepare for the prelims next week.I'll be counting on my soul,faith and mind now.

Wish me only the best.

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

12:20 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-

Sunday, September 03, 2006

One week of holidays.Not meant for me to play.Meant for me to devour all the shit taught throughout the years.Then the next few weeks is time to regurgitate all the shit out.

But am I focused enough to do that?
I would only hope for the best,vowing never to cry or to pray.

I'm still standing.I've been trying my best to keep in harmony with my mind,soul and body at peace.Like those who practise meditation and yoga.I realised it works,and whenever you close your eyes,you know your heart's in tranquillity with the mind and soul.

You would just feel so calm and emotionless,yet ironically full of a particular emotion that's just so pleasing.Nothing else matters anymore...and try to visualise a place like a perfect beach without anyone,with only you in phase with the world.If you go deeper into it,you'd really feel yourself being there.

In fact,what you've done is,to know yourself more...going deeper into your own soul to seek for your utmost desires,which most of the time,is even unknown to you.

I don't know how how I'm able to do this,but after reading a book on the teachings of Buddha,I just changed overnight and decided to shed the venomous hatred.I don't know how,but my soul feels quite weightless now compared to last time and yet full of joy.

I realised I could concentrate on my work better.I could think better.But nevertheless,I still have my own doubts bout my new self,and I made quite a few modifications to my resolutions.It is only for the better.

The sayin goes:''A man who can wield his sword well is an excellent warrior.A man who can live in harmony with his sword and control it well is a sage.A man who can live in harmony without his sword is God.''

In which case are you?

He builds his personality like how They build bombs-

2:02 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-