Confusion and Pain.I think I did saw my ex on Sat night.At the underpass linking Scotts to the mrt.It was her from the back.The way she walked.The way she dressed.She was HOLDING ANOTHER GUY.I quickly messaged her.She said she was at home.Finding peace.Could it be?Could I have seen wrongly?
It was the second time my heart kinda broke.What was I thinking?Doesn't she have the right to go for another guy?I know it's impossible between us...but I just can't take it.
Hey here's a poem that I wrote.
It goes like this:
Sitting in a corner all alone,
staring at the bottom of his soul,
with thoughts of hate and regret,
which love would only beget.
As night falls onto the town,
it's when he rises as day goes down.
Living without any fear,
always longing for his Dear.
One day,when he knew of her demise,
he was so hurt,that he couldn't compromise.
He once said he wouldn't write to her again,
till the sun sets behind her grave.
Now is the time,
for him to tell her how much he'd loved her,
and tell her that he's always here.
Now that she has gone,
he still couldn't let bygones be bygones.
he regretted not seizing that very day,
to tell her that he was forever there and cared.
As he looked into the sun's burning rays,
he told himself that all paths lead to the grave.
He didn't seize that chance,
he told himself,
because at times he got tied down.
Now it was all too late,
as she had already passed away,
he assured himself,
by saying: "Every dog has it's day."
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:29 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Fuck.
Amanda got bullied in school.She got slapped,mocked and hit by someone who she didn't even know.She broke down and cried.I reckon she's going into some kind of depression;manipulation.Her tortured and restless soul,I think she didn't deserve any of this kind of treatment.Why this of all things?Why?Why?Why?
Why must she undergo this?Can't she just be a happy sadistic gal?I CANNOT BEAR TO SEE HER BEING BULLIED.SHE WAS MY PRINCESS.MY PRINCESS.NOW SHE'S BECOME A HEAP OF USELESS TRASH IN OTHER PEOPLE'S EYES.
I wished I could help.I wished I had the power to destroy things.I wished I had the POWER OF GOD.Then I could save my dearest.I wished I had the power to secure her,to protect her,but I know,in the security aspect,I could never give her any.I LOVED HER.
If she's willing to give me a second chance,then I'm also willing to be with her again.I once said I wouldn't like a gal twice.But as for Amanda,my love for her has never ever died.It has Never Died.I'll love her no matter what she does.No matter what She does.
I'm feeling so sadistic nowadays.Kept pondering over Amanda.Wondered how she was.Wondered how to help her.How I wished my Amanda was here.I need her.It just seems that I cannot let it go.I can feel the fire burning deep inside of me.It manipulates me.My Mind.To a point of no return.Absolutely No RETURN.I could even kill.I'm sitting here,drifting day by day,hoping that She will come back to me,cause I know the feeling's still alive,Still Alive.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
2:23 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Messaged Amanda and asked her how she was.She said she wouldn't trust me anymore.I cared for her.I loved her.She said she didn't trust me anymore.Then Darkness and Pain pumped in.Couldn't eat or sleep properly.I feared.Was in pain.Utterly Disgusted.
Anyways,met Liyana again.Got comforted.Got pitied.Although I didn't deserve it.She said to forget her.I can't.Just can't.She said that I'm a nice guy,and I would get a nice gal.But all I ever wanted was Amanda.God took her away.HE took her AWAY.
I don't see it's necessary to start a physical war against Christianity.What I want to start is a symbolic war.To influence the minds of Christian,using Rock Music as a solution,and Metal as a Cure.Found an Antichrist activist Black Metal band that is keen on bringing back the Aggression into Black Metal.The name's MARDUK.PURE SADISM,PURE EVIL,PURE DARKNESS,PURE CHAOS,PURE AGGRESSION.Last but not least,PURE ANTICHRIST.All Hell break loose with this BAND!Let Fear devour the hearts of the weak,let sadism twist the minds of the hated.Hatred and scorn towards Christ and Christianity gives birth to the band Marduk whose lust is to create the most blasphemous and unholy music ever experienced by mankind.
"Yeah, we're just full power! I hate all this moody shit! Well, of course I like moody things, but the Black Metal scene is now fucking more wimpy than ever! I mean, all these shitty romantic bands playing so wimpy that I nearly want to puke! The aggression is dead. Fuck,there is more aggression in Death Metal these days! What happened to Black Metal? It's getting more and more wimpy all the time, with all this melodic shit. It sticks in my throat! Black Metal is meant to be Satanic, but it isn't anymore, it's just wimpy! There are too many of these bands - I won't name any names - that are screwing things up by using keyboards and female vocals. We will never do anything like that. We will only get more and more extreme!" -Marduk,-inspiring Me.
Marduk's as subtle as a sledgehammer and faster than a speeding bullet.Heaven shall burn when we,Antichrists are gathered.Live Strong and Evil,and as macabre as Sadism can get.Respect and Hail all who opposes God-
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
1:51 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Jux read my my ex-stead's blog.Was shocked.She said that she snapped and cut herself again.My HEART BROKE.LITERALLY.This time with a Kitchen KNIFE.I repeat,with a KITCHEN KNIFE,on her left arm.Why Amanda,why? Why do you have to do this to yourself? I guess,if I were to be in her position,in her position of her friend's betrayal,in her position of a broken family,in her position of unstable emotions,I'll long be dead by now.She's a very strong gal.Very strong.Absolutely unstable and delirious.
I told you to be strong and not hurt yourself.You are strong,but in a very un-realistic way.Why were you so STUPID to inflict further harm on yourself while you were already badly hurt?I told you to live life for yourself.There are other people out there that still DO LOVE YOU.Don't give up life for your enemies.Don't be that weak.They are out to destroy you,yet you,but hurting yourself,are doing them a big favour.Please my dear,please.Take it as I'm begging you.You know I never beg.But I could do it for the person I love.I could.I could even give up pride.Don't harm yourself any further.If you ever wanna unleash,God made other people/things for you to hurt.Be a Sadist,not a masochist.I repeat:THERE ARE PEOPLE OUT THERE THAT STILL LOVE YOU.I AM ONE OF THEM.Endure for this period of time and you'll be free from regret.Trust me.Free from regret.Free from eternal scars.Free from everything you hate.just endure and let it go.I beg you once again.Dearest,please.Heed my advice.
Why would you wanna leave those scars on yourself to remind yourself of those things?Why would God put her in such situation? You know God, I just need a wish.A very simple wish.I wish to be you,God.One of the reasons why I choose to be anti christ is not that I don't believe in him,I am jealous of Him.I want to BE HIM.I want to feel the satisfaction of being worshipped and being hated.Oh sorry....wrong point here.I just want to feel the satisfaction of being worshipped,because already I got the feeling of being hated.There are just many people out there waiting to be helped.Trust you to sit on your throne and laugh.I'll see how long you'll last.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:06 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Guts,guts,guts.Took the ball and dashed to the basement.Despite the discipline master's warning.Tried to help but it was in vain and I got caning.Guts again.Took a skateboard to school and skated.Regardless of any authority.Dressed up like a rebel.Alone.All in black and white,except belt and pants.Knew some skaters from normal stream.Approached me and said I've got style.Tried out my skateboard which was 5 years old.I actually skated right in front of the principal. She said nothing.She didn't even asked me to tuck in my shirt.Now even my infamous reputation in school has spread to the discipline master.My reputation as a Joker has flourished.I had the guts to destroy my form teacher chem lab.Had the guts to pour acid into everywhere,even to the extent of vandalising and breaking things.Had the guts to face the punishment.I feel as if I had the guts to do anything now.My ability to fuck fear has given me guts.I'll only do what is of benefit to me.I'll have the guts to do it no matter what.Besides,what is Life without macabre Sadism and Evil?What is Life without Excitement?
I want Life to be as thrilling and exciting as it gets.Even if it causes my life.I want life to be fast and swift.Life ain't life without Pain,without Excitement,without Thrills,without Pride and Reputation,without Death.
If You ever wanna play,You play it till the end and try your best to die standing.Others will look you up as a predecessor.Even if you fail,others will succeed you.The fire will never fade out.One thing I never do: Beg.One thing I will always do:Wreak Havoc.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
6:21 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Nowadays,my Evil thoughts has seemed to be blocked.Not much Evil thoughts.Where have they all gone?I'm not myself lately...dressing up like a super good boy.Lacking inspiration and faith in what I'm supposed to do.I think I really need inspiration,my Evil thoughts are draining away.I'm not creative enough,Damn.I'm kinda by the moment,always thinking of a nice gal to stead with.I'm always fantasizing...but in a good,clean way.What has happened to me?I actually have dreams about holding,kissing,loving a gal.But no sex! That's the problem.I realise that I need love.But what's Love with not even the slightest evil?Fuck Love then...I'll rather not have it.Where the Fuck is my Evil side?Come back here please?My Evil Self! Someone please agitate me to get him back....I need him.I don't see myself being evil anymore....Shit.Something's very wrong with me.Either I'm in love or something else I don't know.But I reckon it has gotta do with love.Love again,shit....it just keeps coming back.I'm fed up with this infatuation shit.It is shit.It makes me weak damn it!I really need Him to come back...please do so?Please?I need the strength and power anger gives me.I need IT!I can't live without anger,someone please agitate me....I want Power back into my hands! I need to destroy my good side!
I will defy fate and go to the maximum.Please let me have the strength to do so.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
12:14 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
I don't know where to start,honestly speaking.Yesterday(16.07.05) was a fucking unlucky day.Had hell lots of unlucky stuff happening.
Firstly,Joseph and I planned to go to East Coast to see some metal band performance.I awoke at bout 8 and Sat.I was damn tired and it's kinda sick cause I rarely felt tired.I slept at 3+ on Fri.On Fri-(Actually went to play pool with my uncle at 10pm while my younger cousins played bowling till bout 1am+.After that,we actually went to Thompson to eat roti prata.Hell,I was already tired.Walked from Far East to Peninsula as usual,with Joseph and Andre.The roti prata stall was crowded.It was engulfed with night life.People smoking and drinking.Then came 8 kids,aged no more than 12 running and screaming everywhere they went.Damn it,it was 1+!)
By the way,I finally got her number.The pretty very fair and goth malay gal,Liyana.We actually made some eye contact even before we talked.I told Joseph that I would have her number.Boy,she sure is very pretty.I'm surprised that she was 17;she didn't look her age.I'm even more surprised when I found out that she didn't smoke,drink nor club.She is a good gal.Hell....my crush is getting bigger by the moment.But,but,but....she's already attached.Aww...and it's her first bf.Her first love.And I think I would be such a bastard to steal away someone's gf even though I really liked her.She was actually concerned about me.Hell was I contended.
Then,on Sat.Joseph and I went to East Coast.Damn,It was crowded.People from all walks of life were there.Even grand mothers whom I think don't even know what metal is.Fuck.Then,messaged Liyana.She said her friends were performing there.3 guys,Joseph reckoned that they were called "self made".Asked Liyana but she said she wouldn't know.Then,we decided to go to orchard.So we walked to the nearest bus stop.Then saw bus no.16 and we both saw that it was going to orchard.I thought it was gonna be our lucky day.
Boarded the bus soon enough.The bus trip took more than an hour to reach Peninsula.So I decided to pay Liyana a visit.Went there and saw her in full goth attire.just the thing I longed for.Damn it,she was so pretty.I approached her and said "Hi".She said "Hi,Joker."Man,I was speechless.Then we chatted for a while and Joseph had to go.It was 1 pm.Then,Joseph said to go to the top of Raffles to enjoy the view.I agreed.
Headed towards the guest lift,bringing us to floor 60.From there,we took the fire escape and went to floor 69.We actually appeared at a kitchen.Then decided to proceed further up.heard a voice shouted:"What do you think you're doing?".Hell,it was some big-shot manager in charge called Martin.He asked us for our ic and I was kinda scared.but I remained calm and negotiated with him.He was so fucked up.He didn't let us off.He asked us what we were doing there and was very surprised how we got up that far.He called the security guards up to investigate.Cold sweat broke out.I tried my best to remain calm.Then 2 malay guards which looked like agents from the movie "The Matrix" took us to level 1.We then proceeded to a room called the "security room".It was a packed office.Then a fat security manager called Roger Wu returned our ic.He told us it was considered as trespassing and it was some sort of criminal offence.I turned to Joseph as I was the one who was doing the negotiating.He was like smiling.I pleaded.
He kind enough not to make a police report.He kindly warned us not to do it again.He said it's only a verbal warning.Then he let us off.We headed to the exit guided by a security agent who was a funny malay guy which said nothing would happen.He even offered me chocolates.I said "No,thank you."Then Joseph went home at 2+ and I decided to head to orchard.
I walked from orchard mrt station to Far East to look at a wallet that I really liked.A leather wallet with skulls and chains on it.Very Cool.Then from there to Heeren.Was like walking aimlessly again.I actually had a gut feeling bout meeting Amanda.then was like walking,walking alone then I noticed Kiki with her.I called her and just walked away.But she called me back.She said "Joker,get over here."I walked towards her and we actually talked.She asked me when I wanted my books back.I said I didn't noe.She cut her hair very short and was smoking.I realised that I didn't like her anymore.I didn't wanna look her in her eyes.My eyes were looking somewhere else.She kept talking to me and I just like nodded.I was kinda sad.I don't know why,I just was.then we said goodbye.I also realised that my thoughts were drifting to Liyana.I decided to walk back to Peninsula to talk to her.Not really because I'm infatuated with her,but I find her very easy to relate and talk to,and confide in.
I was walking extra fast.In less than 15 min,I was there.At her doorstep.She was surprised.She asked me hell lots of things and I answered.Basically alot of questions of me and Amanda.I answered honestly.She was actually concerned bout me.I was really glad.I kept thinking of whether to court her anot and whether we could be together despite the age gap.She is a very decent and petite gal.But I think I wouldn't want our friendship to die because of my crush on her.I don't want it to end up like me and Amanda.I decided to be good friends with her and only time will tell of my destiny.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:38 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
I want to go to church,yet Joseph doens't accept me in his church.He says,I'll disrupt the whole thing and he'll end up regretting bringing me there.Never mind that now God,Now I set my priorities,goals and aims right.I have decided to be good.I'll have to prove to the christians that to do good it isn't only through christianity.I'll develop my own style in everything.I'll shut those hypocritic christians up for good. I will do good and prove them all wrong.Freedom is what I lust for.I lust for freedom more than anything,even more than sex.Free your mind,and you will free your life.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
12:43 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Look Amanda,I'm sorry.Things shouldn't have been like this.Glad that you've already forgiven me.Hope you have fun in life.Don't you dare think that you'll die young.You won't.And you don't hurt yourself.Pls,there are still people who love you out there.They need you.If you don't wanna live life for yourself.Then live it for their sake.Nothing in this filthy world is worth your life.Nothing is powerful enough to make you die for it.Nothing is that valuable.So don't,Amanda.My feelings for you hasn't really died yet.But my hatred for you has.I also wanna be there for you.Let fate decide the path we're on.Till fate brings us back again.I believe it will one day.
Ah,I think got a new crush,even though I said I wouldn't have any.Just met a malay gothic gal from peninsula,haven't really talked to her yet.Let alone ask for her number.I think she's older than me.But she sure looks smaller than me.Sharks,She is so fair!She doesn't look malay.But she sure is awesome.Practically made eye contact with her.She works there,damn it.I'm considered a regular customer.I think she kinda recognizes me and felt my ulterior motive.I was like walking around the shop and kept eyeing her from different views...Nevermind that.I made a deal with Joseph.Next time we go,I'll have her number.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
8:08 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Just read my ex stead's blog.Guess what?I'm finally immune to her insults!I don't hate her anymore.Because she had already died in my heart.And guess what I'm gonna do?Yes,you guessed right.SPIT on her grave.Once and for all.I ain't never gonna return to this graveyard of hers deep down in my heart.I'll smash it up once and for all.It is inevitable,Joker.She says my Hatred has blinded me.I agree,but it has also given me strength to destroy what I fear.Now I'm stronger and she's still as weak as I've expected.She says she never played me.AHAHAAHA...kinda cool.She twisted my words again.Who do you believe,huh?Me or Her?She manipulated me to a point where there's no turning back already.Accept the fact that we're all out to play,I've already accepted it.And now she's running away!I guess she just doesn't have the strength to destroy me in her heart.Come,let me inject a lethal dose of hatred so that she can.An eye for an eye,dear.And now you're running away?How weak is that,huh?No wonder people always bully you.You have totally no defence over yourself mentally.Your heart is the weakest.I admit that mine is too.You actually fear yourself the most.Now anger has got me blinded but headstrong.Immune to you,I already am.I don't hate you anymore doesn't mean that I will FORGET and FORGIVE you,my dear.It just means that you will NEVER ever have a another chance to hurt me again.
I told so many lies without blinking,white or black lies.And to lie without blinking was to believe that the lie is TRUE.SHE is DEAD.What is DEAD can't come back.And I'm beginning to accept this lie as the truth.And by the way,do you really think I'll give up on love because of you?AHAHAH....do you really think you had me by the heart?I was under your damn spell and I was totally under your control.You could've been smarter and used me longer.I wouldn't know and wouldn't mind.You had me,dear.You had me!..........You....had....Me....FOOLED!AHAHAHA....I still trust love,and I'm not that weak to give up love because of you! I did not run away from reality,unlike you,doing so now.In fact I've faced it.I faced the reality of loving you genuinely,giving you my best,which disgusts me as you don't deserve this kind of treatment.Faced the reality of you and your tricks myself.AHAHAHA~so frail and pathetic.Oh Hell...I've finally become strong.
Now I wanna do well in my studies,and be wild at the same time.If nobody's on,I am.Truely,the Joker's Wild.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
11:32 PMThe Best way out,is always Through-
Just edited my blog,not really ready yet.Sorry for the inconvenience caused.
Hatred and Sorrows filled my Soul again,after reading my ex stead's blog.She insulted me once again.Insult is one thing I can't stand.I was true and genuine to her.I admit I was boasting that anger got the better of me.But now after reading it,Anger and hatred filled my soul once again.She sure knows how to twist words.I actually tried to beg her,although I never begged anyone.but I'm darn sure about one thing,I'll never beg her again.One humiliation is enough,now even friends deem me being weak.Love did get me weak.It did.After all,we did come out to play.No one should be held responsible for being hurt,as the weak shall always be destroyed.I was destroyed.I was weak.Weak enough to not see that she played me all along.Now after realising it,there isn't any hope anymore.Be in love again with the same person?You wished.I was weak to give in to her.I actually gave in to my genuine feelings for her.I even begged her to rekindle,WEAK WEAK WEAK.I actually begged like a FUCKING DOG!She seduced me once,not anymore now.I was betrayed by my own lust...I finally broke the spell I was under.Believe me people,I shall go where no man has virtually ever reached before.I'll try my best to kill all the feelings that would make any average mortal cry or feel sad.I'll go to a point where I won't shed a tear even when loved ones die.They all mean nothing to me.They're all useless distractions to divert my attention from what I truely desire,they bring me down,soon it'll not be possible anymore.No regrets until this point.I reckon,in order to forget her and isolate my thoughts about her,is to let Hate come into control.She has already laid the path for me.It's up to me to walk down the path.It's really the final straw as I had expected from her.She pushed me to the maximum and left me to rot.
Never Ever push Anyone to the maximum.Cause there'll be no turning back.If I were ever to fall in love with you again,I'm not a man anymore.I'm a dog.How I wished that she had posted the insulting post on the day of the break up.It could have saved me hell lots of trouble.But thanks anyway,Amanda.You've helped me fufill me dreams and made me stronger.Thanks alot.
He builds his personality like how They build bombs-
2:21 AMThe Best way out,is always Through-
